This girl really got me good here.
You plan to enjoy your beer at the club and a girl buys you a shot. The audacity!
I wear whatever I want, whenever I want but this girl has got me looking through my closet for my best shorts because of a millenial saying that’s got girls strutting in short shorts and me, a grown ass man agreeing to, ‘legs for days.’ Oh how the mighty have fallen.
She must have spiked my drink. There is no way I willingly agreed to this. A shot and a date on the same night? I called myself Charming like some Disney character. Unbelievable. I can’t even tell my boys, they would be ashamed, I can’t stop cringing. Of all the great lines I have heard over the years, I had to use the cheesiest ones.
This girl was not even trying, she bloody did it. I was eating from the palm of her hands. It’s like she does it for a living. Wait, maybe she’s a cop, she must know about the joint I smoked on my birthday last week. I need to let Jimmy know that his, ‘you’re here for a good time not a long time’ lines have finally caught up with us.
Why did I agree to everything as if I was at gunpoint. And which shorts look better, the maroon or the grey? I feel like the maroon ones bring out my eyes more. Like that makes any sense at all. Who am I and what have I done with myself? I need to text Jimmy and tell him that if I go missing, a beautiful woman did it and he shouldn’t accept any Tequila shots from strange women or he’ll be next.
Okay, maroon it is. Also, I am definitely doing eye contacts today, I need her to get lost in my eyes. I need to calm down, she is just a normal woman who might be a serial killer but who am I to dwell on the negative? She fell for me despite the cheesy lines or am I the one who fell for her? I knew it, I shouldn’t have stopped going for therapy, this indecisiveness is no good. Why does my stomach feel so weird? Maybe it’s butterflies or do I just need to take a shit because of all the beer I had yesterday?
I have to admit, I do look great in shorts. How did she know? Must be a witch. I need to get going, I can’t be late, she wouldn’t let me hear the end of it.
‘I was starting to think you wouldn’t show.’
‘Five minutes late and you wanted to cancel on me?’
‘I am a gentleman, I wait for 10 minutes before I leave.’
‘Oh please!’
‘You have to sound more convincing than that.’
‘For what?’
‘Begging for my attention.’
‘You need to calm down.’
‘What do you think?’
‘About what?’
‘Legs for days.’
‘You look great, the maroon really brings out your features.’
‘Big right?’
‘Don’t push it.’
‘Oh hunny, I stroke I don’t push.’
We are laughing and I give her a hug. She smells great, like chocolate and vanilla made a baby on her skin.
‘This is a really cool place.’
‘I come here with my girls all the time for our picnic dates.’
‘You mean gossip takeovers.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘At your big age you don’t know what a takeover is?’
‘You are annoying me already.’
‘When you pick up a guy from the bar, that’s bound to happen.’
Yay, she is laughing again. She has really gone all out with this. These are snacks that I pay for in restaurants and she made them all by herself. I need to figure out how I can get a lifetime supply of this. I could try to be a little nice but a dowry payment could get me the same thing.
‘You must be in events management.’
‘You do know a woman can organize a good picnic and not have it as a career.’
‘Okay feminist, where should I send my apology?’
‘You’re unreal.’
‘I get that a lot, it’s an effect I have on many.’
‘Actually, I am an Advocate.’
‘You have the right to hold me down.’
‘You do know that nobody says that right?’
‘This is our story, we can say whatever we like!’
‘I need another glass of that wine, good choice by the way.’
‘Only way to take you home.’
‘I came with my car.’
‘But you can come in mine.’
She is blushing. I don’t know if that was way too much but she is entertaining my madness. The only woman who has accepted me for who I am is my mother and that’s only because we are related and I look exactly like her so it would be weird if she denied me.
‘What do you do for a living?’
‘I don’t.’
‘What?’
‘I’m in Real Estate really boring stuff.’
‘You don’t like your job?’
‘I do but what I do does not define who I am. I am in Real Estate, I paint and sell my art online and women who love Tequila can’t get enough of me.’
‘You really won’t let that go?’
‘It’s a compliment. I am sure by now you’ve gotten plenty of likes on that feminist group of yours.’
‘You have something against feminists?’
‘No, I think it’s about time that people accepted that equality is something meant to bring people together and not apart.’
‘That’s the most sensible thing that you’ve said since we met.’
‘That’s not fair, the charming line was pretty dope.’
Laughing, ‘That I agree.’
‘So are you ready for some serious questions?’
‘Hit me.’
‘I did not know you were into that. I mean I have some ropes in the car but this is a public place and people will not appreciate your outlook on pleasure.’
‘I need to stop you right there.’
Shit. I knew it. I went too far. She is an advocate, definitely allergic to this sort of bullshit that I keep spewing her way. I should just apologize and beg her to stay.
‘I am sorry.’
‘For what?’
‘I didn’t mean to offend you.’
‘You play too much but you didn’t offend me, now ask me those silly questions that you have lined up.’
Damn. She was not offended. She is still on this date for some crazy reason. I need to pour her another glass so that we can toast to our future. Our kids will love our story.
‘Are you looking for a boyfriend?’
‘Are you?’ She is being cheeky.
‘If I was swinging that side, I would have asked you what lippie you are wearing.’
‘What do you even know about lippies?’
‘I like lips.’
‘I’m not surprised.’
‘That’s why we are here.’
‘You really do enjoy teasing but fair enough, go on.’
‘Do you like kids or do we have to get a pet first to test your nurturing skills?’
‘Are you normally this mean and outrageous?’
‘Only to the girls I like.’
‘What is this, Kindergarten?’
Oh hunny, we call this the school of life.’
‘Unbelievable!’
‘I know, they could have come up with a better name.’
‘As much as you are annoying me, I am so intrigued by you.’
Oh no, now I am blushing.
‘Calm down girl, only those who finish the race get the prize.’
‘I’ll take that.’
‘Since you like playing dress up so much, angel or demon?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Role-play?’
‘What?’
‘Would you dress up as an angel or demon?’
‘Why would you ask me that?’
‘I’d like to know what character to assume.’
‘Angel.’
‘Fantastic. It’s the angels you need to watch out for.’
‘What about you?’
‘Adam from the Bible, before they ate the apple.’
‘Wait, but they didn’t wear anything…’
‘Exactly.’
She looks happy, like she doesn’t mind me. I hope she stays. I wouldn’t mind painting her. I need to take this conversation elsewhere.
‘Can we just go back to my place and watch a movie?’
‘We were supposed to go watch one at the mall.’
‘With the current happenings, there’s been a change of plans.’
‘Meaning what?’
‘Well, with that dress there won’t be much watching, so why pay for a movie when we can make our own show?’
She’s smiling.
I’m good. I’m really good.
Cheers!
Candid Karey 
Wow. It’s like you flirt for a living
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