My 2018 motto has been ‘Do not deny yourself a blossoming’ and I believe this will continue on to the next year God willing. Have I blossomed? Not completely but I have noticed a few changes; a bit of a glow up, eating more, caring less about what I cannot control and taking control of my attitude, it really does play a big role.
There is always a but not as huge as mine but it cannot be ignored. Sticks out like KICC (Kenya International Convention Center), don’t gasp we all know you’ve been staring a little harder at the erect building after we got wind of what inspired its shape.
There is this habit that keeps coming up. Not caused by any one but by myself. I have to admit that sometimes I am my own enemy and it sucks to actually know that you are the one who’s been causing your own heart breaks.
I don’t mean heart breaks like in romantic relationships, naaah not today. It’s in the small things that are actually the big things.
Like in an event and you think you don’t want to help yourself to the snacks. Free snacks. This is definitely an eye-roll situation. So what do you do? You sit still and only help yourself to the bottled water on the table. You don’t want to look like a glutton. You don’t want to ruin your figure or unsettle your waist. So you ignore your stomach’s cries, your heavy heart and the ‘fuck you’ being formed by the clouds above just because of what others might think. You’re so proud of yourself, you’ve got Ciara’s ‘Level Up’ playing in your mind. Guess what you just did? You’ve just broken your own heart. You die a little inside. Don’t do it. Don’t break your own heart. Get that platter and eat. Get that food and smile. Go get some more. Nobody cares darling.
So do it, I dare you. I double dare you. Head over to the event DJ and ask them to play ‘Fire Waist’. Tell them you want to align your full stomach to your mood.
Do you ever see someone and think, ‘Well damn, I would like that. I would like that to myself. I would like that a lot. Probably all day, probably every day’. Then it happens. The dumbass in you tells you it’s never going to happen. You start thinking why would a person like that want a person like me. You switch your contagious smile to a tasteless frown. Quite sad right? Why the hell do we do that? Where does that demon come from? Pissing all over your fantasies. You could be sitting on someone’s shoulders, in a concert of course or whatever that just tickled your fancy;power to the free thinkers! But there you are drinking free bottled water. Don’t do it. Don’t break your own heart. Flash that smile. They might not take your number but they could smile back and that would be pretty great.
You’re at a party or in a club and the DJ is doing a horrible job. Definitely not what he’s getting paid to do. But no one talks. Nobody is saying anything and every time the urge to tell them to play your favorite comes up, you shut that thought down faster than a Kenyan on Twitter who just got hit on. There is no way you used money to get to a place where somebody’s being paid to give you a hell of a good time but miserably failing at it. Don’t do it. Don’t break your own heart. Walk over there. Tell them they need to switch it up. Don’t be rude. Do it nicely, gently, politely. Just do it. And surprisingly it works.
Someone just saw you after a long time and the first thing they need to point out is your weight. You don’t like it. I don’t like it either. Who are you to tell me whether I’ve added weight? If I have no problem with it why would you? Please note that I am talking about those people who you’re not even close with. The people who don’t know you like that. But what do you do? You keep silent. It hurt you but you do not vocalize your feelings. You keep mum. You don’t want to ruin the mood. Don’t do it. Don’t break your own heart. Ruin that damn mood. If I hardly ever see you, I plan on keeping it that way. So how my weight is shooting up should not concern you. Why is it weighing you down that I’m living it up? May be if they started minding their own business they would add a little weight of their own. (Don’t say this, just think it. You’ll feel so much better) They’ll never do it again. Well, you’ll probably never see them again either. Win-win?
Well that was salty. Where’s the free bottled water when you need it?
They say some opportunities only come once. How many do you think you have missed? I don’t know either but I hate that feeling of fear that holds you back from doing something that could have turned out really great, or not but it’s better when you learn. It always is. I had been thinking of going to Biko Zulu’s Creative Writing Masterclass for the longest time but I kept brushing that thought away. I finally did it and I have never been so proud of myself. I don’t know if I have grown but I feel that I took a step that I really needed to take. I also got to see his forehead haha. I met amazing people. Great people who were looking to find themselves and we kind of did it together in a space I had been so afraid to enter. It’s scary. Doing things you’ve never done before and actually going for them. The end-result scares you. Shrek’s got nothing on how scary it is to come out of your comfort zone. But let’s not do it. Let’s not break our own hearts. May we try what we can and be happy that we actually did it.
I just shuddered from writing that. Deep stuff.
I have no idea who has gone through this. There’s that time you start realizing that there’s some things that have been taking away a bit of your happiness. Little by little. Some just popped up right? I have some of my own and I do not know the best way to get away from it all but I am glad that I know that there’s something amiss. It hits harder when you’re adulting. The last thing I want to do in my journey to Bloomdale (I did mention that I am on a blossoming journey. I gave the destination a name, makes it fun) is deny what I clearly know is wrong in my life. It does not get better but knowing something is wrong gets you out there looking for solutions. God bless memes right?
But seriously don’t do it. Don’t break your own heart. Do not ignore the things that take away your joy. The government is already doing that.
Honestly, let’s take care of ourselves a little better than we’ve been doing. Let’s be kinder to ourselves. Let’s not break our own hearts.