Why We Hold Back

We hold back,

Because it is all we know, this is all new to us

Your stare makes my heart race faster than usual

Please stop

I can feel my cheeks go all tomato

Please stop

I can no longer pretend to look at that wall any longer

Please stop

 

We hold back,

Because it is safer

It is safer to know that I don’t have anyone to call

Or to call back

Someone to tell how my day was or how wonderful I felt from their morning texts

 

We hold back,

Because we are insecure

That you see other beautiful people everyday

They are prettier in their designer dresses and Italian suits

They catch your eyes and you forget about us

Our food-baby bellies and retro fashion

It is all in my head you whisper

But that’s why it’s scarier

Because I think I am not enough for you

But for myself alone

 

We hold back,

Because we are afraid

What if we fall deep in love?

And buy matching sneakers

What if I can’t live without you?

What if you get tired?

And you leave me with all your hoodies

Won’t you be cold?

What will I do then?

When I’m craving some hot chocolate

But I left all my mugs in your place

What will I do then?

When your smell still lingers on my skin

And your laughter keeps playing in my head

What will I do then?

 

We hold back,

Because we are comfortable

To this routine which is a bit selfish

But easier than the love you offer

It means I need to give you time

It means I need to give you what’s mine

To tell you what’s going on in my head

To share my duvet in my 4 by 6 bed

Maybe it’s not that bad, my heart whispers

It’s not bad it’s a tragedy, my brain reminds me

 

We hold back

Because we think that we are enough

That we need only ourselves

But why does your smile give me butterflies?

Why do your eyes have to be so beautiful?

Why do I hold onto you a little longer with each embrace?

This needs to stop, my brain whispers

This feels good for a change, my heart whispers

 

We hold back,

Because it is all we know, this is all new to us

Why are they being so nice?

He must want something, my brain whispers

What if that something is you? My heart whispers

 

Cheers!

 

 

 

 

 

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Dear Mama

Mama I have watched you,

I have been watching you mama,

How do you do it?

How do you open your mouth and flood our hearts with kind words?

Despite our curt responses

How do you think the best about people?

Despite their incessant attempts to prove you wrong

I am in awe of the woman you were, the woman you are

And the woman you continue to become

Your heart takes too much, gives too much but never gets enough

I am sorry if I ever caused any ache in your heart, your beautiful heart mama

You are beautiful, you are wonderful, you are a woman, my mama

My woman

My everything

Goodness mama you are special

Because I know you mama, I believe God must be a woman

And with age I see the reasons why

 

Mama I am here to tell you that I have seen cruelty

Not from my fellow women mama, I will spare you that drama

From the man mama, the many I told you about

I lied mama, they did not treat me like a princess

They did not treat me the way papa treats you

They do not know I am the daughter of a Queen mama

They do not know that I was raised by a strong woman born of strong women

Mama they do not care, they did not care then, they do not care now

 

Mama as I scroll through the old pictures of the men who took a piece of me

I am shook

Do not correct my grammar mama, that is how we talk these days

I look at the pictures and I can see the flow chart of my mental illness

Do not laugh, this is a serious illness mama

You have not been honest with me, you never mentioned that I was sick

But papa has been a good example to me

I pray that I am healed

 

Mama do you remember the one with the good shoes?

Yes mama, the one who bought you the lovely tea-set

Mama that man’s behavior is similar to that of a cockroach

I am now convinced that they are related, he was rude mama

Not the rude you have seen but the nasty kind, the cockroach kind

He broke me down mama and told me I was not good enough, he disrespected me

In front of my friends mama

I was broken, I leaked that day mama, I lost a bit of me

That day mama you bought me a white dress and told me not to get any dirt on it

I had had enough of the man who bought you the good tea-set

I texted him mama

I told him I was not those dirty corners nasty cockroaches go to hide in

I am a snow white wall mama

He needed to find another dirty corner

Yes mama, I did that, I put him in his place

 

Mama do you remember the one who brought light in our home

Yes mama, the one who looked dashing in pink

Yes, yes mama the light skin man that had a kitenge shirt that matched my dress

He must belong to the devil’s squad

Why you ask

Mama he did not bring light but only darkness, he lied mama, he lied too much

I started thinking I was mad, obviously mad in love mama because I ate every lie

I became full when he attended a wedding wearing the kitenge shirt

No mama, I had no problem with the shirt

But that cow had another lady wearing the matching dress

My matching kitenge dress mama, he gave it to another woman

Yes mama, that is where it disappeared to

I saw a picture while snooping, don’t judge me mama, I was mad

I left him mama, but before leaving…

I soaked all his colorful shirts in bleach

Yes mama, even the kitenge shirt, he would need to do some shopping

And I left the water running in his house, he needed to clean up after himself

For the horrible mess he had left in my heart

 

Mama do you remember the tall one,

Yes mama, the shy one who ate more than he spoke

Mama that man should only deal with food

He did to me what you do to the chicken bones after you’re done eating

He tossed all my feelings and emotions in the trash

He told me he was the best thing to happen to me, I was unhappy mama

My heart grew tired because of him, I moved on without telling him mama

Too harsh? No mama

I ran into him in town the other day

I told him I had already found the best thing to ever happen to me

Me!

 

So you see mama I have had my share of cruelty

Your little princess is not always okay mama

Do not get me wrong mama, I have also met some good men

Mama,

I am not saying that all men are trash

But some men know how to give garbage its true meaning

That said, I am proud that you are my mama

My phenomenal mama who has taught me to always see the good in people

Because of you I am not afraid to love

Thank you mama

 

Yes mama, I am fine

Yes, I am sure

No, I would not mind a kitenge dress that matches with yours and papa’s

Of course mama, I have to carry myself with poise

Calm and composed, that’s me

After all, I am the daughter of a Queen!

 

Cheers!

 

 

 

 

Look What You Made Me Do

I see what you did there

Saying things you didn’t mean

Doing things you said you’d never do

I see you

From way over here

I hear your actions

They’re loud and clear

 

I see what you did there

Making me look like the bad guy

I keep apologizing

I am sorry that you’re not sorry

It is always my fault right?

I guess I have so much learning to do

Hello teacher,

Where do we start?

 

I see what you did there

Leaving me to make all the moves

What would I ever do without you?

Crawl up and die?

Not this time round sweetheart!

 

I see what you did there

Rushing over to social media

Did that really work dear?

Giving her the attention you used to sell to me

Keep your love

Crazy Hannah is doing better all by herself

 

I see what you did there

Trying to reach out to me again?

What happened before

I will not let happen again

When I needed to be heard

You did not even care to listen

I no longer desire to be heard by you

It is too late now!

 

Cheers!

Thank You!

A dedication to the one that stayed too long. To the one who was broken yet I was the one who needed fixing.

 

Thank you for not being there when you were needed the most

When you ignored my loving texts but liked her ratchet posts

When you laughed when I told you of my dreams and my goals

The things that I dearly held so  close

 

Thank you for missing the chilly mornings

When I enjoyed my  hot chocolate and toast alone

When you lied that you would show up

 I guess you got the addresses mixed up

Here is to your words which were so deep

Yet there was no promise that you could ever keep

 

Thank you for making me think that you and I was nothing but fate

 For missing my calls and showing up late

I bet it’s the mascara that took you a while to dry

Or maybe she asked you to pass by and say hi

 

Thank you for saying that you needed space

For making me think that I could not keep up with your pace

You made me wonder what was wrong with my body and face

May be she oozed  more class and had better taste

 

Thank you for shoving me in front of your friends

When I told you it was late and I was feeling unwell

I realized that nothing was wrong with me

You had a problem that I had never seen

 

Thank you for showing me that your arms were not my home

Despite the cold  I could not stay

Your pleads and calls stopped making my day

As hard as it was I had to walk away

 

Thank you for always being so savage

For having so much baggage

For that drama i could not quite handle

But karma will pay back in double

 

I thank God that I walked away

I am alone but definitely okay

I have no fear in my heart but gladness in my soul

I’ve got my own thing going on

 

Thank you for making me learn

The affection that I rightfully yearned

I now know what love is supposed to be

I can easily say what I want for me

 

Thank you for making me long for something true

A wait that has been long overdue

For the one who arrives after you

Will fill the void that you left behind

The feeling will be just right

For he will taste like the poetry that I wish I could write

 

Cheers!