IT HURTS

Let me get sensitive today. Shall we?

Do you sometimes feel like switching the off button on life? It is a thought that comes when you seem to be stuck in a rut, unending right? You want to be left alone, you want to stay in bed all day, you do not want to move. You just want to lay in your bed and let your sadness consume you, you want to understand it. That feeling overwhelms you and you are probably dehydrated from all the crying. The taste of that feeling is on the floor of your tongue. So damn bitter, you keep throwing up. You hate it.

Sometimes you want to succumb to the pressure and sit on your own and look into nothingness, that moment when someone looks at you and thinks that you are staring at the wall really hard but you are actually not even seeing the wall. You are in some sort of daze, it is like you are falling and nothing can bring you back, well at least for that moment. For that moment you cannot see past the darkness that is hovering over your life. You are convinced that a rainy cloud is above your head following you everywhere you go. You are convinced that that cloud is causing all the storms in your life. You want to slow things down. You want it to stop. It needs to stop because the burden is so heavy, because it hurts too much.

It hurts like a wound that keeps bleeding. A wound that bleeds so badly that no bandage can stop the blood from seeping through and staining the snow white cloth. That is how your life is lately. The feeling has seeped through your life, your friends, your school life, your job and your family. It hurts because people have started to notice, it hurts because some people ignore it. The more you have tried to understand it, the  more you become overwhelmed by it.

It hurts because uncle Sammy touched you ‘badly’ on your 10th birthday and told you, ‘This is our little secret’. It hurts because he still comes over to your house and acts like he did not rob you off your innocence. It hurts even more because mum and dad never asked you why you stopped visiting your favorite uncle. It hurts because it has been too many years of silence. The burden is getting heavy and it hurts because there is a little voice inside your head telling you to make it stop.

It hurts because you have never seen your father from the day you were born. It hurts because statistics say that a boy should have a male figure in their lives. It hurts because mum ignored the statistics. It hurts because your mum drinks all day long and calls you her little mistake. She gets drunk and reminds you that the condom broke. When she tells you that, there is that little voice again telling you to numb it all.

It hurts because you grew up thinking it is okay to hit girls. Why? Daddy does it and daddy is never wrong. You found out it was wrong when you had to say goodbye to mummy when she took her last breath from that stupid fight on ‘who threw my cigarettes away?’ The love of your life broke up with you. She thinks you will end up like daddy. It hurts because you believe her.

It hurts because they bullied you in high school. It hurts because your parents told you that that is a part of life. You reported the acts and got named the school snitch. The bullying did not stop until the bullies left. You just joined campus and the bullies are the leaders in the student board. It hurts because you are still are afraid of them.

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JUST BECAUSE…

Why Lord why? Why do we have to grow up and realize that our closets are filled with nothing but summer wear when the cold season sets in? No worries though, I am convinced that this is a sign from God. I have so many options for sunny weather because God is preparing me for the awesome weather that I will enjoy at the Maldives. The sandy beaches, dolphin watching and scuba diving, oh God I cannot wait!

You realize you are growing up when the cold season sets in and you cannot run to your mum or dad to buy you some warm clothes. Lucky are the ladies who can run to their dzadzys and get the latest fur coats from Bloomingdale’s, what is life?

July is here and so are the new relationships. I do wish all of you well. I hope you are not in it because of the cold or loneliness. We still want to see those posts that make us cringe after the cold season. Do not dump him/her for the next MCA, I know you thought about it once.

I have so much on my mind today and you are the best people to share my current thoughts with. I say current thoughts because I change my mind very easily. If I were campaigning for an electoral position I would probably change my mind half-way through the campaigns and say I am bored. (Hapo ndio utajua Ndeti sio Wavinya). So for today allow me to be your muse for the next few minutes ūüėČ .

You need to know that just because you like how a person looks does not mean that you will end up loving who that person is.  Yes, I urge you to re-read that until it sinks in. Use that as a caption on your IG handles and do not forget to tag yours truly. Looks are deceiving and the worst thing is giving so much time to a person who you now realize did not deserve to see the light of day with you. You feel fooled and a little part of you feels broken but you took home a lesson. Some people are like mwakenyas, your guide through life so as to avoid making the wrong decision twice. Go ahead, note that down.

Just because there is a shortage of Unga in the country does not give you any reason to eat omena with chapati. Why? You cannot betray the unga lovers of this country by committing such a sin. It is sin to join two or more things together that should not be joined. Resist yourselves from committing such crimes, like allowing Baba Yao to give a public address in English and let me mention that Wavinya Ndeti and the Kiswahili methali is more of a no-go zone, as Kenyans would like to put it.

This goes out to everyone who gives you those nasty looks as you are walking down the street. Why are you giving someone you do not know a nasty look as if they are walking naked in the streets of Nairobi or as if they just lit a marijuana joint next to you? Just because someone is prettier, more handsome, looking sharp in their outfit or just looking happy minding their own business does not give you the right to give them such a nasty look. The happiness of others does not deprive you any happiness of your own. Jot that down. As Wavinya would put it, ‘pilipili usioila unaiwashia moto’.

Just because you are on a diet does not mean that you have to shove your work out routine and diet schedule down our throats. I am not against dieting and working out but let me be clear on one tiny thing, it is YOUR diet and work out routine, not OURS.  It is revolting for someone to keep count of what his/her friend eats and it is even worse when they keep throwing those little annoying comments on weight. I understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinion but a wise person knows when to keep it to themselves. With that said, it is okay to do things your way but it is never okay when you think your way is the only way.

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ALLOW ME…

What a wonderful time to be alive. When your timeline is filled with ¬†SGR selfies, political babies are crying for nominations and our grandfathers want to sell everything they own to endorse the president’s campaign so he can win. Did you read the last part twice? A 76- year old man wants to sell all he has to endorse the President of the Republic of Kenya, but why? Well thank God the president talked him out of that idea.

Political shenanigans aside the year is still more messed up than 2016. Admit it. I have. Okay that is my take on the 2K17 ( that is what the millennials are calling it). 2017 is proving to be those years that make you admit not only to yourself but to social media (because how else would we know) that ‘the struggle is real’. This phrase has a way of making the blows that life throws at us look somewhat flawless,you know like your filtered Instagram pictures.

It has been a while since I wrote and someone mentioned it and honestly the motivation has been off. Life gets to you so much that you forget what makes you smile a little and laugh out loud but i heard something inspiring today. Just a piece of advice: life can get stressful sometimes but you should not let it get to you so much, that is the art of living.

All that said allow me to share a bit with you. No, I am not about to give you a taking stock post. All I can take stock from the beginning of the year is that God is good all the time and all the time God is good (this is not just another phrase but it is a testimony, my testimony).

Allow me to say that death is not just something that you can ignore forever, it is not taboo to talk about or think about. Death is here (always has been, always will be) lurking in the shadows ready to pounce on you when you least expect it. And yes it hurts, hurts more than being pinched by a chair, you know why…. because the wounds it leaves you with never heal. Death hurts so much because your loved ones leave and you get left behind. Time makes you stronger. I had an experience of my own early this year. I miss you Grace Nduta Mwaura.

Allow me to tell you that family should always come first. Pray for your loved ones everyday. You never know what the next minute holds. Wish them a lovely day and always check up on them. It is so sweet when you make someone feel that you love them. Send them funny posts and messages like when Kabogo thought he would win the Kiambu county nomination despite his atrocious statements, LOL.

Allow me to tell you that making friends is not as easy as it was before. These days (siku hizi) if you do not share the same taste in food, music, movies, ministry (if you do not get it stop trying), men, women, did I say food, fashion, pets and food (this is very important) then you will not be very good friends. Your vibes must flow. You show love to your friends by the frequent hang outs, calls, screenshots (very important lately) and memes. Never forget to tag your friends on the latest memes. Never!

Allow me to tell you that I am a die-hard cat lover but I have a confession. I am completely embarrassed for what i have been doing. Lately I have been seeing dogs and staring unashamedly. Even turning to take a second look. I honestly do not know what is happening to me, I even considered getting a dog and a cat, of course that will happen after I move out of my parent’s house. I have failed the cat community but oh well think of it as a win-win. When cats gets fussy which is everyday the dog will always be there to lick my hurt feelings away.With that confession all is well in my world once more.

Allow me to tell you that the transition from university to working-class is completely eye-opening. When I say eye-opening I mean it is scary as hell, you wake ¬†up in the middle of the night with soaked bed sheets from all the sweating you had from over-thinking. (I know y’all first thought the soaked bed sheets were from wetting the bed. Mimi nikakojolea kitanda mimi juu ya stress za adulting?Mimi?). This is the time you realize you cannot miss work like you missed all those boring afternoon lectures to watch a Netflix series. Take me back!

Allow me to tell you that Social Media makes me happy. You get a chance to see how the parents of our Kenyan Socialites look. I kid you not I have heard someone say, ‘Kumbe hivi ndio mama yake anakaa na vile huyu msichana ni mang’aa?’ From the break-ups to the hook-ups, I get to see it all with the click of one button and I love it. So yes, when you post pictures of your bae and later delete all of them from your timeline, we want to know why. We were also invested in the relationship as far as bundles are concerned. Oh and those long Instagram posts on how you love your mum or dad, please they are not on social media, go home and tell them you love them! They are still getting the hang of Whatsapp leave alone Facebook.

Allow me to tell you that I do not understand the people who ask for your number and never text or call you. So why were you asking for it? Do you get an app addition for every phone number you get? Is that it? There is also this trend where guys are always in your DM with a ‘hey’ only and that’s it, the thunder that will strike you is having its Veetox tea. Please stop! Women are looking for men of action not ‘hey’ buddies.

Finally, allow me to tell you that life is what you make it. When you do more than go through your day, you notice the difference. You live. I am re-reading that so that I can follow my own advice. Sometimes you get caught up in life and forget to live. Do that thing that you have always wanted to do, text that crush, go on that,diet, wear that bikini, apply for that job, date that girl, vote this year! Make a difference in your life and the lives of the people around you.

Cheers!

Thank You!

A dedication to the one that stayed too long. To the one who was broken yet I was the one who needed fixing.

 

Thank you for not being there when you were needed the most

When you ignored my loving texts but liked her ratchet posts

When you laughed when I told you of my dreams and my goals

The things that I dearly held so  close

 

Thank you for missing the chilly mornings

When I enjoyed my  hot chocolate and toast alone

When you lied that you would show up

 I guess you got the addresses mixed up

Here is to your words which were so deep

Yet there was no promise that you could ever keep

 

Thank you for making me think that you and I was nothing but fate

 For missing my calls and showing up late

I bet it’s the mascara that took you a while to dry

Or maybe she asked you to pass by and say hi

 

Thank you for saying that you needed space

For making me think that I could not keep up with your pace

You made me wonder what was wrong with my body and face

May be she oozed  more class and had better taste

 

Thank you for shoving me in front of your friends

When I told you it was late and I was feeling unwell

I realized that nothing was wrong with me

You had a problem that I had never seen

 

Thank you for showing me that your arms were not my home

Despite the cold  I could not stay

Your pleads and calls stopped making my day

As hard as it was I had to walk away

 

Thank you for always being so savage

For having so much baggage

For that drama i could not quite handle

But karma will pay back in double

 

I thank God that I walked away

I am alone but definitely okay

I have no fear in my heart but gladness in my soul

I’ve got my own thing going on

 

Thank you for making me learn

The affection that I rightfully yearned

I now know what love is supposed to be

I can easily say what I want for me

 

Thank you for making me long for something true

A wait that has been long overdue

For the one who arrives after you

Will fill the void that you left behind

The feeling will be just right

For he will taste like the poetry that I wish I could write

 

Cheers!

 

 

CINDY

I know, I know ! (Raising my arms in the air)

If you have ever read any of my blog posts I am sure you’ve seen this post and said , ‚ÄúTook her long enough!‚ÄĚ

I am writing this because it is something that was long overdue. What have I been up to? A lot of things, I have been living and I have been learning but most importantly I have been eating. I have been eating like a pig despite the fact that I should be watching my waist. Why you ask. Well my weight is just fine it’s my waist that needs deliverance. I mean what does a girl have to do to get a flat tummy around here? I’m that kind of girl who wishes she could eat anything without getting fat. Ladies can I get an Amen!

I also wish some women could keep their comments to themselves regarding someone’s weight, aren’t we all struggling with something? Well as you judge her tummy, her eyebrows are on fleek and yours well yours are just eyebrows, we can’t say much about them. I am not being savage, I am being honest. God almighty knows it and so do you, so get to those make-up tutorials they are everywhere these days!

My thoughts are a bit jumbled up today. I will do my best not to digress but if I do I hope you still enjoy the read.

Today I want to talk about a woman you might have come across. Let us call her Cindy. Cindy seems to have her life all figured out. She seems to have the perfect parents, perfect relationship, perfect friends, perfect job and the list of perfection goes on and on. You would say she has the perfect life. She goes to church and she is always there for her friends. When you see her in church you are the first to say that she is involved with the youth pastor. You call her a pretender and all manner of names just to make her look bad. Despite the loathe you have for her, Cindy is the first person who sends you that M-Pesa that you so long for when you comment `sina kakitu` in the youth group. We have all been there and if you have not jumped at the vibration of a text from your phone then count your blessings.¬† I know someone just wished to have a camaraderie with Cindy right about now. You on the other hand think that she is just being a show off because a pretty girl like her definitely has a ‘sponsor’.

Cindy is just an ordinary girl. She has been raised in a Christian family but she got to really understand Jesus when she was in high school. She gave her life to Christ and became the Christian Union Chairlady. She worked hard in school but Mathematics was not her friend. Maths made her hungry when she was full, Maths made her get the cramps when she was past that time of the month. Maths was annoying like that spoiler friend who says what is happening in the new Marvel movie when you have not even seen the trailer . Yes it was that bad, I can relate. She did not get an A but she managed to join campus and graduate with First Class Honors. I will not dwell on the sleepless nights that she had while in campus that is quite frivolous in this situation. Kenyans love to hear the success not the struggle that comes with it.

As tempting as it was Cindy made it out of campus without using drugs or taking alcohol. She had one boyfriend through campus and they are engaged to be married. Is he 70 years old? No, he is three years older than her and they met in church when all youth members were pledging their vows to remain pure till marriage. Yes, she is still pure. Unbelievable? Yes. Impossible? No.

Just like any other person Cindy has her ups and downs. She has her bad hair days but you would not know that because of the colorful turbans she dons every once in a while, she gets cranky sometimes and cusses unbelievable words, but you did not know that now did you?

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GROWING UP; TAKING STOCK

image courtesy of lms.net
image courtesy of http://www.google.com

I have been thinking of doing this and considering the fact that I do not know how much time I have on this beautiful earth, lemme give it a go.

Knowing: that  it  is  never  that  serious, am  too  blessed  to  be  stressed
Feeling: tired  as  ever, I  believe  the  week  is  over  and  I  am  looking  forward  to  the  weekend to  sleep  the  week  way.
Craving: all  the  things  that  are  not  good  for  my  health  especially  the  chips  and  chicken  from the  fast  food  joints  in  town. (To  the  friends  who  have  read  this  you  know  what  to  do, wink!)
Eating: rice  and  vegetable  stew  in  the  office (healthy  right) plus  a  smokie  some  bread  and tea, I  know  that  combination  is  out  of  this  world  but  just  ask  my  high-school  friends, there have  been  worse  combos.
Drinking: cold  water  because  when  you  are  in  the  office  and  the  boss  can  see  you  from where  she  is  seated; water  is  the  only  thing  I  can  drink. Getting  the  skin  benefits  though because  these  breakouts  will  not  prosper, can  I  get  an  Amen!
Smelling: all  the  aromas  of  the  foods that  people  have  carried  in  the  office  today; actually  I  should  be  smelling  trouble  because  that  is  what  we  are  going  to  get  into  after  the  boss comes  back.

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