IT HURTS

Let me get sensitive today. Shall we?

Do you sometimes feel like switching the off button on life? It is a thought that comes when you seem to be stuck in a rut, unending right? You want to be left alone, you want to stay in bed all day, you do not want to move. You just want to lay in your bed and let your sadness consume you, you want to understand it. That feeling overwhelms you and you are probably dehydrated from all the crying. The taste of that feeling is on the floor of your tongue. So damn bitter, you keep throwing up. You hate it.

Sometimes you want to succumb to the pressure and sit on your own and look into nothingness, that moment when someone looks at you and thinks that you are staring at the wall really hard but you are actually not even seeing the wall. You are in some sort of daze, it is like you are falling and nothing can bring you back, well at least for that moment. For that moment you cannot see past the darkness that is hovering over your life. You are convinced that a rainy cloud is above your head following you everywhere you go. You are convinced that that cloud is causing all the storms in your life. You want to slow things down. You want it to stop. It needs to stop because the burden is so heavy, because it hurts too much.

It hurts like a wound that keeps bleeding. A wound that bleeds so badly that no bandage can stop the blood from seeping through and staining the snow white cloth. That is how your life is lately. The feeling has seeped through your life, your friends, your school life, your job and your family. It hurts because people have started to notice, it hurts because some people ignore it. The more you have tried to understand it, the  more you become overwhelmed by it.

It hurts because uncle Sammy touched you ‘badly’ on your 10th birthday and told you, ‘This is our little secret’. It hurts because he still comes over to your house and acts like he did not rob you off your innocence. It hurts even more because mum and dad never asked you why you stopped visiting your favorite uncle. It hurts because it has been too many years of silence. The burden is getting heavy and it hurts because there is a little voice inside your head telling you to make it stop.

It hurts because you have never seen your father from the day you were born. It hurts because statistics say that a boy should have a male figure in their lives. It hurts because mum ignored the statistics. It hurts because your mum drinks all day long and calls you her little mistake. She gets drunk and reminds you that the condom broke. When she tells you that, there is that little voice again telling you to numb it all.

It hurts because you grew up thinking it is okay to hit girls. Why? Daddy does it and daddy is never wrong. You found out it was wrong when you had to say goodbye to mummy when she took her last breath from that stupid fight on ‘who threw my cigarettes away?’ The love of your life broke up with you. She thinks you will end up like daddy. It hurts because you believe her.

It hurts because they bullied you in high school. It hurts because your parents told you that that is a part of life. You reported the acts and got named the school snitch. The bullying did not stop until the bullies left. You just joined campus and the bullies are the leaders in the student board. It hurts because you are still are afraid of them.

It hurts because the taste of liquor summarizes the only commitment that you have had to something. You lost your job, your girlfriend and they no longer invite you to family events. They called you ‘an alcoholic who needs help’. It hurts you that they did not help, maybe if they had, your liver would not be so muddy. ‘Oh well, who needs them?’ Says the little voice in your head.

It hurts because they told you your dreams were too big. They told you to tone it down. You always had opinions, they shut them down. They made you settle and you thought you would never accept less. You swore to never settle for less than what you deserved. It hurts because you have.

It hurts because it was so easy for them to leave you. They left just like that, like you were not good enough for them. You tried so hard but they left and did not look back. Do they think about you now? Do they miss you terribly but are too embarrassed to tell you? Do they still love you? It hurts because they probably don’t but you still do.

It keeps hurting because of someone or something that happened. It hurts because no one did anything about it. There is a voice that keeps you company but what you do not know is that it lies to you. It lies that your family does not care, it lies that no one loves you, it lies that your dreams are too big to achieve. Ignore it. Ignore that voice and talk to the people around you. Hear different voices and mute the depressed voice in your head. Accept that you are not perfect and understand that no one is perfect either. Talk. Open up about your feelings and understand that it is okay to not be okay. Understand that the sun will shine on you as it does on everyone else, so talk to someone, anyone but not that voice in your head.

Depression is real and it is nothing to be embarrassed about. Fight for your life because you are a gift to this world from God, we need each other to make this earth a better place. It is important to know that if somebody hurt you there is nothing wrong with you but something is definitely wrong with them. My message today to someone who wants to end the hurt is to fight, to fight the pain and come out victorious.

You are a warrior and you should never hide your scars. Your scars simply mean that you are stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.

Cheers.

 

July 21, 2017 by candidwangari Categories: CandidTags: Alcoholic, Depression, Liquor 22 Comments